Sunday, July 12, 2009

Diversity training at the COB

This is an actual partial transcript from a recent diversity training class held by LDS Church Human Resources for Temple Square security personnel.

FACILITATOR: Okay, now that Bruce and Hyrum have shared their perspectives, you officers have some idea of what it's like to walk in their moccasins. Man, what an eye opener! Thanks so much for sharing your stories, guys; that was really moving. You guys are great, and I'm definitely going to check out Will and Grace.

(to the class) Let's put what we just learned into practice. Suppose you are on duty at Main Street Plaza, and Bruce and Hyrum here need to use the sidewalk to get home. You see them enter on South Temple and walk up the sidewalk laughing and talking about the production of Wicked they just saw. You overhear Bruce telling Hyrum that the costumes and lighting were fabulous. Bruce opens his arms wide to indicate just how unbelievably fabul--

SECURITY PROFESSIONAL 1 (interrupting): That's gross. Disgusting. Totally inappropriate. President Packer said something about this in general conference one time, that it was OK to beat the crap out of gay guys. Right? We don't carry baseball bats, so I guess I'd just taser them. Definitely. I'd get out my Taser and ....

FACILITATOR: Now, now, not so fast. Remember, these guys are just walking along what for 150 years was a public sidewalk. They've walked up that sidewalk all their lives. There really is no alternate route, and after all, the Church did promise the city as part of the controversial privatization of a vital urban thoroughfare that the public would always be given free passage through the property. The transfer of title was supposed to be a mere technicality that let the plaza landscaping hook into the Temple Square sprinkler system. And besides, the boys are minding their own business, just trying to get home from the show.

SECURITY PROFESSIONAL 2 (agitated): Men can't talk about musicals like that! That offends me. You can't tell me that any real man would use the word "fabulous." Words like that have eternal consequences. "Fabulous" is just the tip of the iceberg. Wicked is the gayest show ever. Something really inappropriate is going on here. I bet these guys' apartment has accent lighting and a mid-century sofa. That orange and ocher sofa limits my freedom of religion and demeans the sanctity of my marriage! There's no doubt; I'd definitely confront them and tell them how disgusting I thought they were. Then, I'd demand that they immediately leave the property.

FACILITATOR: Aren't they already "leaving the property"? I mean, they're halfway to North Temple by the time they comment on the choreography and the touring company's nontraditional but truly inspired casting of Elphalba. Twenty more seconds and they'll be crossing the street.

SECURITY PROFESSIONAL 3: That doesn't matter. We need to engage them in a demeaning argument about how disgusting they are and then, when they react, claim that they became "confrontational." If we can bait them into using profanity, then we can tackle them to the ground and restrain them in handcuffs so roughly as to cause bruising. We call the city cops and ban the perps from walking down Main Street for six months. After they cool their heels in handcuffs for a half hour they get cited for trespassing. The best part is that we start the argument that stops them from leaving and then they can't leave because of the handcuffs! Sweet! Man, I can't flippin' wait. The adrenaline would be such a total rush that I'd go home after my shift all charged up and ready to sweep my gal off her pretty feet. (SP3 does the universal "touchdown" dance.) You know, I used to be a real cop. Want to see my old badge?

FACILITATOR: Now we're talking, gentleman! Was that so hard? (dreamily) Do you mind if we end a few minutes early today? Brother Christiansen, can I borrow those shiny handcuffs of yours? I have a team-building exercise with Bruce and Hyrum after class.


Quinn said...

Actual transcript..... I think someone is playing a joke here. :)

MoHoHawaii said...

Hi Quinn,

It's word-for-word accurate. :-)

Captain Midnight said...

Haha! Loved it.

MoHoHawaii said...

Thanks, C.M. I wrote it for you.

Ezra said...

This post is FABULOUS ;)

MoHoHawaii said...

Hi Ezra,

I'm really glad you liked it.